Excerpt from Notebooks 1956-1978

from 1961


September

   Tonight I'm starting over – after these parenthetical months – for them – go real slow – like the first time going out after being locked up for ages –
   tonight calm at last – window open – a little wind – gentle – feeling my bathrobe – music below – I just picked up K.'s journal – always the way to get back to work when it's not happening – Kafka or Beckett – to start up again –
   nothing is finished – the problem hasn't been resolved – but I'm at the end of my rope – still struggling with it – because it would be easier to keep going with them than pick up my life where it left off –
   these months speak years – many new things – to be completely current with present events – living the news as it happens – with no time lag – now it's difficult to become nothing but a spectator again –
   what counted was the immediate – objective justification was impossible – for what I was doing – theoretical questions useless – when I make theory for others – I end up not believing it – immediate action justified immediately in its entirety – uncomfortable position but real –
   for months no writing – impossible to reconcile the two –
   walk paying attention – I've lost sensation – closeness of the outside world around me – I'm not connecting with things any more – could be irreparable loss – trying now to recover sensations – objects for instance – the table's smoothness – its color – my hand on the paper –
   it's raining – that helps me – I feel better – more differentiated from things – from the outside –
   blur already –